DJ<p>Have any of you out there ever felt like the world is against you? Or it just doesn't want you around? I've been having those kinds of feelings and thoughts over the years, especially after I moved away from Columbus back in 2011 but also at many other points throughout my life but even more so after then. It was like so many people treated me like I was in the way, regardless of whether I actually was or not. As a result, I have actively gone out of my way to stay out of the way, so to speak. Avoidance has been a big part of my life anyway, as evidenced my my diagnosis of avoidant personality disorder over 20 years ago, but that has come at a heavy personal and social cost to me and people who've been around me at any given point. There are times when I feel abandoned by those I was counting on. This has caused a lot of disruptions that have not gone unnoticed by those in my life. It's just that I've never really told people that I had these feelings specifically except in vague terms that I thought might be digestible and eventually lead to folks better understanding my issues. Frankly, that hasn't worked out at all but I still do it, not because I can't handle this but because so many others can't or just don't want to. It's a lonely and miserable existence, one I've been desperately striving to change...unfortunately to little success so far.</p><p>One of the side effects of this is the paranoia of believing people who aren't all that much on my side, either from the past or the present, plotting to ruin my life, mostly to get themselves ahead at my expense. That specific thought has haunted me for decades. There have actually been a couple of instances from back in college where it turned out to be true, which hasn't helped me all that much when it comes to facing whether it might be happening or not at any given time. I'd like to believe it's not but those actual instances really mess with my perceptions, especially when I'm so desperate to believe otherwise. I've never really admitted this to myself or anyone else, even internally, but I guess I have to face the fact that I have some serious trust issues and in trusting in people. I've been let down by so many and had so many of my concerns waived or laughed off that it's difficult to put myself or my opinions out there much anymore. It's not something I actually want to believe, but unfortunately it is the truth. I'm thinking not admitting that to myself might have been why I haven't been able to really deal with my avoidance issues. People seem to be already spooked by my mental health problems and it seems me avoiding to specifically acknowledge the trust issues related to them hasn't gotten me anywhere or forward in my life. I am hoping and praying that by just getting a bit more social and easing my way back into public life will ease or even erase my unease related to me avoiding so many things. I'm also hoping that by doing it slowly that I don't irritate folks or step on peoples' toes. The fear of getting in the way when I'm trying not to factors in heavily to this approach but even that will have to be dealt with at some point. I just don't know when.</p><p>On that note, I bid you all adieu. Thank you for reading. I hope to see you again real soon. Until next time, folks, this is ya boy DJ sayin' take care, God bless, and I...am...outta here. Goodbye, everybody.</p><p>DJ</p><p><a href="https://c.im/tags/DJinRealLife" class="mention hashtag" rel="tag">#<span>DJinRealLife</span></a> <a href="https://c.im/tags/myreallife" class="mention hashtag" rel="tag">#<span>myreallife</span></a> <a href="https://c.im/tags/reallife" class="mention hashtag" rel="tag">#<span>reallife</span></a> <a href="https://c.im/tags/gettingintheway" class="mention hashtag" rel="tag">#<span>gettingintheway</span></a> <a href="https://c.im/tags/Avoidance" class="mention hashtag" rel="tag">#<span>Avoidance</span></a> <a href="https://c.im/tags/trust" class="mention hashtag" rel="tag">#<span>trust</span></a> <a href="https://c.im/tags/trustissues" class="mention hashtag" rel="tag">#<span>trustissues</span></a> <a href="https://c.im/tags/paranoia" class="mention hashtag" rel="tag">#<span>paranoia</span></a> <a href="https://c.im/tags/mentalheaIth" class="mention hashtag" rel="tag">#<span>mentalheaIth</span></a> <a href="https://c.im/tags/fears" class="mention hashtag" rel="tag">#<span>fears</span></a> <a href="https://c.im/tags/loneliness" class="mention hashtag" rel="tag">#<span>loneliness</span></a></p>