guyjantic has moved!<p>I grew up Very Religious. And I was in a Very Religious marriage for several years. This particular Very Religion was absolutely NOT OK with masturbation. So much anti-masturbation content. So much thought policing. So much guilt and shame as social control of young men (yes, lots heaped on girls and women, too, and I'm never going to minimize that, but this post is about male <a href="https://c.im/tags/masturbation" class="mention hashtag" rel="tag">#<span>masturbation</span></a> </p><p>A few things about living in this kind of abstinence-focused <a href="https://c.im/tags/religion" class="mention hashtag" rel="tag">#<span>religion</span></a></p><p>- Boys & men are still (very) horny (note: no wanking)<br />- Teenagers and young adults are strongly encouraged to date<br />- But no touching<br />- No orgasms</p><p>All truly[1] sexual possibilities are kicked down the road to the pie-in-the-sky <a href="https://c.im/tags/marriage" class="mention hashtag" rel="tag">#<span>marriage</span></a> you will someday have (this could be its own... book). Your spouse's body and will and consent will be your only sexual outlet. Forever.</p><p>OK, so you do all that. You don't have sex. You don't masturbate. You meet That Special Someone. </p><p>Some stuff about that:</p><p>- You've been sexually unsatisfied for about two decades[2]. Yes, this will absolutely affect your marriage decision.</p><p>- <a href="https://c.im/tags/PostNutClarity" class="mention hashtag" rel="tag">#<span>PostNutClarity</span></a> won't (can't) help you make a more thoughtful marriage <a href="https://c.im/tags/decision" class="mention hashtag" rel="tag">#<span>decision</span></a></p><p>- You and your new spouse will probably[3] fuck like happy bunnies for a while.</p><p>But something will go wrong. There are guaranteed to be <a href="https://c.im/tags/problems" class="mention hashtag" rel="tag">#<span>problems</span></a> in any marriage and this one had some very sketchy starting parameters (see above, imagine x10,000,000), so there will absolutely be problems. Some will involve sex. All will affect <a href="https://c.im/tags/sex" class="mention hashtag" rel="tag">#<span>sex</span></a> </p><p>And you still won't masturbate (or not without shame and possibly religious/social consequences) because it's still a Big Rule from God. </p><p>There can be no sexual soothing during conflict, and no post-nut clarity to help make decisions. Constant sexual frustration will make the <a href="https://c.im/tags/conflict" class="mention hashtag" rel="tag">#<span>conflict</span></a> harder to resolve.</p><p>In addition, husbands commonly[4] want more sex than their wives (note: <a href="https://c.im/tags/GenderEssentialism" class="mention hashtag" rel="tag">#<span>GenderEssentialism</span></a> is the water all of this swims in). Even with small imbalance, one spouse can feel that the other "constantly" wants sex, while the other feels their partner "never" does. For years.</p><p>There's no masturbation pressure relief valve. The only OK way to orgasm requires your spouse's active involvement.</p><p>On top of this, girls and women have had sexual shame hammered in even more deeply. The virgin/whore thing happens. Sex = guilt happens.</p><p>Result: resentment, fighting, fear, even coercion[5]. </p><p>I grew up seeing this in spouses: coded conflict language around friends, ubiquitous marital unhappiness. Many ppl (IMO) invested their feelings in kids or religion bc it was less fucked-up than what they felt toward their spouses. </p><p>The <a href="https://c.im/tags/divorce" class="mention hashtag" rel="tag">#<span>divorce</span></a> rate in my church was lower than average, but I suspect so was marital satisfaction.</p><p>I now believe this system is Very Bad overall (though it has some benefits[6]).<br /> <br />Unlike arguments against <a href="https://c.im/tags/adultery" class="mention hashtag" rel="tag">#<span>adultery</span></a>, premarital sex, gossiping, theft, etc., moral anti-masturbation arguments can't (really) be about harming others. They rely on "personal purity," w/far-reaching consequences (see <a href="https://c.im/tags/PurityCulture" class="mention hashtag" rel="tag">#<span>PurityCulture</span></a>).</p><p>Discussion of "sexual sins" (Prohibited Touching[7]) is focused nearly 100% on how it affects YOU--your righteousness, your salvation, your filthiness, your future marriage prospects...</p><p>Boys get nearly constant anti-sex, anti-masturbation pressure & messaging. Laudably, it's about the boy's actions. Less laudably (bc purity culture), it's mostly about how the boy's actions affect *him*.</p><p>A boy gets thousands of lessons & talks about avoiding Prohibited Touching with Girls, but it is rare to find any discussion of possible coercion.</p><p>What if she didn't want the <a href="https://c.im/tags/touching" class="mention hashtag" rel="tag">#<span>touching</span></a>? Focus, son; we're talking about your <a href="https://c.im/tags/soul" class="mention hashtag" rel="tag">#<span>soul</span></a>.</p><p>Now I'm many years out from that environment. My own Uniquely Fucked-Up Marriage (TM) is in post-religion, maybe-kinda-poly, one-of-us-was-gay-all-along territory. The big conflicts are (I hope) past. We spend a lot of time supporting each other in finding healthier relationship patterns, and moving toward a <a href="https://c.im/tags/divorce" class="mention hashtag" rel="tag">#<span>divorce</span></a> that will be good for both of us and our kid.</p><p>I should have planned a nice wrap-up but I guess this is it.</p><p>The end.</p><p>---- Footnotes ---<br />[1] "truly sexual" - Repressed religious kids can do an awful lot that is sexual but not Prohibited touching</p><p>[2] Some people end up sexually unsatisfied for more than 2 decades. Some break the rules. Some get married at 17.</p><p>[3] Some newlyweds don't fuck like rabbits because of other problems: medical issues, consequences of 20 years of sex shame, actually gay, etc.</p><p>[4] Sometimes women want more sex.</p><p>[5] There is an awful lot of coercion at peer, family, & larger system levels (as in all social systems but I don't like this kind)</p><p>[6] Of course even Fundie Christianity has positives; cultures don't persist if they don't do anything for their members</p><p>[7] Technically, it's not just touching that's prohibited; you can also sin by thinking sexual thoughts.</p>