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Christmas is a terrible holiday. Here’s some ways to improve it.
1. No public Christmas music before 12/24 or after 12/26.
2. No presents other than stocking stuffers. Total value not to exceed $50.
3. Mandatory snow on Christmas Eve.
4. Anybody caught with an Elf on a Shelf has to do serious prison time.
5. From now on, Charlie Brown Christmas is the only Christmas special and it can only be shown once, at 8:00, on CBS.
6. Everybody is allowed to say Merry Christmas but nobody is allowed to make jokes about being “allowed” to say Merry Christmas.
7. Candy canes: outlawed
8. Ugly Christmas sweaters will be tolerated in designated areas only.
9. You can’t have any of the same dishes for Christmas dinner that you had for Thanksgiving the month before.
10. Hallmark Channel must cease operations.
@michaelianblack Please add a ban of fruitcake and eggnog to that list.
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@michaelianblack Whether it's the ends of the Earth, off a cliff, or Mastodon, I'd follow you. Getting excited for the holiday season. Not long after Christmas, it's Michael Ian Black History Month! Can't wait for a fact-filled February.