Local resident Jibber Prevalia exclaims, “hugs are for sissies,” after witnessing a father hugging his son. When asked to elaborate on the matter, Mr. Prevalia went on to say, “behavior like that is what’s making our young men weak. I miss the good old days, where the only hugging that place was a firm, two-handed grip on a man’s shoulder before he was shoved into a lake to learn how to swim—or into a job to learn how to work.
Mr. Prevalia, a self-proclaimed expert in “real toughness,” lamented the erosion of traditional values, recalling a childhood where affection was best expressed through a respectful nod, a stiff handshake, or a well-timed punch to the arm.
“When I was a boy,” he continued, adjusting his belt with unnecessary aggression, “my father never hugged me. Instead, he’d tell me, ‘Son, the world’s a cold place, and the only warmth you’ll ever feel is from the fire you start yourself—or from the friction of your calloused hands.’ And look at me now! Perfectly well-adjusted.”
When asked if he had any children of his own, Mr. Prevalia scoffed. “Of course not. But if I did, I’d raise ‘em right—with discipline, grit, and absolutely zero unnecessary body contact. Maybe a firm pat on the back if they cured polio or something.”
At press time, Mr. Prevalia was seen attempting to suppress a single tear after a particularly moving insurance commercial featuring a dog reunited with its owner.
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